Heaven is for Real

Memoir by Todd Burpo

Well, book club friends, I think this post will be the test of whether you really want to be in this club with me. I debated even writing about this book experience because I would normally only share this with very dear friends. But my husband says I need to be more personal on this blog, that it's what people like and how I'll get made into a movie like Julie Powell (he's only partly joking). So I guess I'll just dive right in and get REALLY personal.

It all started with the last bad book I read, and with me forgetting that I own a Kindle. First,  The River Wife so completely traumatized me with a baby's violent death that I couldn't finish it, nor read the other really heavy emotional books on my shelf. Then, being too busy to go to the library and failing to remember that I can just order books on my Kindle, tiring of reading People Magazine and old Real Simples, I turned to this book. I've had it for a year or so and not been real drawn to it--everything about it made me think "cheesy" (I mean, the color?) But, being desperate for a book, and knowing that at least the child LIVES in this one, I deemed it good enough.

So, it IS a little cheesy, but simply and sweetly told. The author's son has a near death experience at three years old and soon starts telling his family about visiting heaven. The dad (pastor of a small church, like my dad) tells the story with a wonderfully humble, down to earth, real voice, while making lots of references to Bible verses that match his son's descriptions of heaven. It's not life changing but interesting and really quick and easy to read (I read most of it while my one year old took a marathon nap). 

But here's the personal part: at  one point, the little boy tells his mom that he knows she had a baby that died in her tummy because his sister hugged him in heaven. He says she has brown hair like their mom (not blond like everyone else in the family) and that Jesus is taking care of her, but she can't wait to meet her parents. Oh, wow. That is MY story. I have two precious kids, who look just like their dad and not one bit like me. Between them, I had a molar pregnancy, which is when the baby doesn't develop right but becomes a mass of cancerous cells instead. For almost three years I have been carrying doubt and grief about whether that baby I started to love really lived long enough to be a baby and have a soul and be in heaven. And while I know that this little boy's story isn't verifiable fact, it's enough for me to have hope and faith that I have a baby waiting to meet me in heaven. And maybe letting go of that doubt will be a gateway to letting go of the anxiety that haunts me regarding my other two children.

So welcome to my crazy. I guess now that I've told you all that, there isn't much need to hold back anything else. I hope it doesn't scare you away, but that we can connect a little more now. Maybe it will help make sense of why I can't, just can't, read stories where terrible things happen to children.

By the way, I just ordered a free Kindle book (who knows? could be good), a Kindle preview of a Jennifer Weiner I haven't read (hello, light reading), and a mail order library book recommended by my aunt. And, it's four days until summer vacation for me. That's a pile of goodness I am happy to dive into!